The Evolution of the Desire to be a Cowboy in Young American Males

Cowboys have become novelty. They won the West, only to see it out grow them. The Western film is a rare breed today, mainly to showcase murdering, thieving, and whoring. A true Western is hard to come by these days. Cowboys were once widely celebrated heroes in our culture. But as the world has evolved into the monster it is, America has lost hope in its Knights of the Free Range. Real and tangible heroes cannot save the world. Instead, superheroes have become fantastical career choices. Is society so awful that our children have become delusional in believing super powers are the only way to fight injustice?

There didn't seem to be a more masculine, or American, occupation than a cowboy. You are outside all the time. You don't have to bathe. You ride horses and herd cattle if you want. Live off the land by hunting. Drink water right from the stream. Play harmonica amazingly. You have a gun and can kill people. You frequent saloons. Academic background doesn't matter. Internship experience and teacher recommendations mean nothing. You don't have mortgages or utility bills or car payments or student loans. No city noise or pollution or even ambient light. Moonlight actually has importance. Stars blow your mind. Solitude can be a companion. Food earned or caught tastes better. You have no need for politics. You live by a code.

What I'm really trying to get at is cowboys appreciate more than the average Joe. Today, simple things are taken for granted. Food, shelter, health, etc. Our fathers and grandfathers seem to have appreciated more things when they were kids. The further and further you go back to more simple times, the more it seems people cherished life. A lot has happened since those cowboy obsessed times. Several wars, the rise of global terrorism, devastating epidemics like AIDS and a seeming inevitability of cancer have all arisen. The evolution of technology has made our lives easier - yet at the same time we are lazier, more dependent, and more complicated.

As children we are delusional about our futures. Once we get there and begin our careers, we look back at our childhood and remember the simpler times. We debate out child innocence vs. ignorance. If only we could have done this or that. If only someone told us how it was going to be. We desired to be complicated. All we wanted was to take on responsibility - from a driver's license all the way to fighting the injustices of the universe with superhuman abilities. We think we will free ourselves from society's restraints on youths, but instead find ourselves piled up in society's burdens, requirements, expectations. Ignorance won.

So we search for a simple life. Someplace where these burdens don't exist. But until that time, we must make due. Careers hopefully can be something more than a way to pay bills. Take-out becomes a last resort as cooking at home becomes more of a passion than a chore. A hard days' work is refreshing and satisfying. Hobbies are developed such as exercising, picking up an instrument, or even rediscovering the pleasures of reading. We choose to relax in order to clear our heads, not out of sloth. We enjoy life, not waste it.

The midlife crisis is just an extreme attempt to become a modern cowboy. We buy a motorcycle. We drink more. We bathe less. We chase women. We stay out late. We start a gambling debt. We do stupid things we never did like shoot a gun, jump out of a plane, even run across frozen lakes in the nude. Our subconscious minds demand to be free. The only problem with the midlife crisis is the inevitable return to society. This can be earth shattering and possibly even life-threatening. Being a true cowboy cannot be temporary. We cannot do it all at once (like the midlife crisis) or our minds go into shock. It must be integrated into our way of life. It's in our nature to be cowboys and we must not deny this, just build a low fence around it.

Ad Wizards

Well folks I blog to you today on a very pertinent subject that I feel has been casually ignored for years: the crappy commercial. That’s right folks, you heard it here and I’m going after the really awful ones. Where to begin…I could start on with that insane bearded man that wants to sell you “Mighty Putty” one minute and the “Pancake Puff” skillet the next. I ask all of you what the hell is a Pancake Puff? The people at IHOP couldn’t tell me and they’re the experts. Despite the fact that this Al Borland knock off is probably swindling millions, there are bigger fish to fry. The same goes for the late night singles phone service adds. Sure the model doing the commercial is gorgeous and the woman actually answering the phone is wolf ugly…at least those unfortunate souls calling this service have dared to dream…and are paying good money to have those dreams patronized. Even this lunatic in the Riddler suit that’s nearly convinced me that his book will teach me how to get free money from the government will be spared. Each of these are pretty compelling examples of the dire straights the advertising industry must be in, but that’s somewhat understandable. Here’s the thing…people are inherently greedy, so at the dawn of television, commercials were invariably going to come onto the scene…and they’ve been here for quite a while so I feel like most advertisers have to be running out of things to say…which is why most of them are being given a free pass.

We move on to the crux of the issue…two commercials in fact, advertising products that supposedly have opposite effects but try to convince the public they’re worth buying in a similar fashion. We’ll begin with the weight loss wonder-drugs that I’m sure you’ve a seen by now. I’m not quite sure what these con artists are putting in these capsules, but if its anything short of magical pixie dust, odds are these idiots who are desperate enough to buy this crap could better appropriate their time by lighting big piles of money on fire. They start the same way…with some guy in a lab coat who is either almost a doctor or just barely a doctor. This guy’s gotten his degree from Hogwarts School of Medicine, and attended classes taught in a broken down van under the highway overpass. Most likely he’s friends with that one dentist who refuses to recommend Crest. Still he feels compelled to tell us that their product is “scientifically” proven to work. They proceed to flash up pictures of their success stories: customarily people who aren’t all that attractive but still in a league just out of reach for whichever patsy will be buying the drug. Then they drive their point home by spouting off a bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo that these poor saps buying the stuff have no hope of comprehending…but still they like the idea. Guaranteed 83% of their target audience has no idea what a University Double Blind Study is, and their knowledge of chemistry is likely about the same level as a third grader. Still people its science, and no one can argue with science right? I remember one of these commercials I saw where they put up a rotund faceless hologram whose fatty areas were highlighted and glowing yellow (this is how these companies view their patrons). All of a sudden the wonder drug flies in (it may as well be wearing a cape) and as it cracks open, a barrage of scientific equations and chemical structure diagrams exploded from the pill and attack the highlighted fat areas, reducing them and turning them a much less alarming color. If this wasn’t ridiculous enough I noticed something more…one of the chemical structures was a benzene ring which I guarantee plays no part in the drug considering the fact that it is a known carcinogen. You would think they wouldn’t take this any further, but I shit you not I actually saw the equation e=mc2 attack the yellow fat. Now come on! What does the fundamental equation of relativity have to do with weight loss? Albert Einstein is rolling in his grave. These commercials are appalling, because Fatty McButterpants now thinks that “science” is fighting his obesity, so he should be able to stay on the couch and continue stuffing donuts down his gullet with the help of a ramrod previously used to load cannons in naval warfare.

From one evil to the next we find ourselves in the realm of male enhancement. Now these commercials will more often than not begin with a plain looking woman who talks for about 45 seconds using plenty of sexual innuendo. This woman is probably about at the attractiveness level of someone the average guy would hardly even notice in a bar, but still no one would think her unattractive. She has been carefully selected to be just out of reach of the pathetic losers who actually order this product. Then once again we will probably hear something from a “scientist,” or at least we’re meant to think that because the guy’s wearing a lab coat. Truth be told the closest this guy came to actually being a scientist was messing around with his friend’s chemistry kit in the 5th grade. I’m pretty sure I saw a few of these “scientists” on the History Channel show Monster Hunters weighing in on their belief that they’re a hair’s breadth away from proving the existence of big foot. Then we’ll go to a shot of the male enhancement lab where countless “scientists” are bustling frantically to improve the enhancement formula. You can see graduated cylinders, Bunsen Burners, and innumerable vials all being tested by these innovators of modern medicine. All of these things are of course categorized as "complicated science stuff" by their target audience. There is one other thing that I had noticed on this picture…but what could it be? I feel like I’ve seen something before but its tough to put your finger on it. Hmm…could it be the ENORMOUS Death Star Window in the background? Are they serious? Apparently these researchers want to conduct their experiments and feel like Darth Vader while they’re doing it. I can’t even fathom the reasoning, but any way you slice it, those of you out there who are picking up the phone and ordering a package of Enzyte know this: you’ll have a better chance trying to use the force to make your lightsaber grow.

-All the best

The Evolution of the Desire to be a Superhero in Young American Males

So it is commonly accepted that pretty much every little boy (sometimes girls) wants to be a superhero when they grow up. Who wouldn't want to have super powers or really cool gadgets and vehicles? Most of these kids have a seemingly unlimited supply of action figures and constantly watch their costumed idols on TV or in movies. Every day is Halloween for them. Too bad for us/them, this is the pinnacle of male existence.

Eventually you start to learn about physics and criminal law and taxes, all of which are superhero killjoys. Still some of us look past that and truly believe Batman is the coolest because he seems the most reality-based.

He is obtainable still. All we need is an endless supply of cash and some traumatic event in our childhood. No biggie. Personally, watching Follow That Bird was that traumatic event.

Then you go to college where it's not all that cool to be a superhero, so you pretend you are practicing being undercover for 4 years. You are only accepted on Halloween in your costume now. Every other time people think it's funny and awesome, but these people won't date you. You are just a novelty act. A conversation starter.

Real world issues begin to put a damper on your life of crime fighting. Student loans become absolutely daunting and really eat up your secret headquarters fund. Crime fighting doesn't pay the rent. You tell yourself that you need a day job anyway for your alter-ego. The day job breaks you. You might become a yes man. You might become a gofer. Food only tastes good on sale. Goodwill is your Saks. You get lots of pleasure from just sitting down someplace other than your desk. Your all-night escapades across rooftops don't pan out because you are asleep at 10:30. You practice Halo instead of Jujitsu. Your sidekick is a cool beer. And the closest you get to fighting crime is paying the landlord on time so he will get off your back.

The only similarity between you and a superhero is that you are both miserable. When are superheros happy? Someone is always getting killed or kidnapped. Even if you capture bad guys, they will probably make bail or parole or just get off scott-free. Jails are just revolving doors. Cops hate you for showing them up. Society is scared of you. All you want to do is help people that don't want to be helped. They didn't ask for you. They didn't vote for you. You are a scape-goat. Criminals are trying even harder now to out-smart you. The city is in chaos.

So now the regular you decides the only way to finance your crime fighting is to become a criminal yourself. Since this is against all moral and superhero ethics, you must seek out new means to unleash your inner child. One day you see a John Wayne movie and realize he is the coolest man ever. He's just a hardworking cowboy that takes shit from no one. Lighting bolt hits you right in the face, blowing off your cape and tights and filling you full of 10000 volts of epiphany. You shall become a cowboy. And so it begins...all over again...

THUNDA!

Alright, I'm going to start off by saying that I am not really a basketball lover anymore. I was obsessed as any human boy was in the early to mid 90s with the NBA. It was full of stars like Michael Jordan and David Robinson that a kid could really look up to. Now it's Kobe and Artificial Intelligence ball hoggin' down the court - both of whom I would not consider role models, needless to say.

Anyway, the Supersonics are now calling Oklahoma City their new, uh, homa. With that they decided to rename themselves the Oklahoma City Thunder. Not very original, and pretty boring. They could have at least tried a little harder. The state bird is a Scissor-tailed Flycatcher for crying out loud. Even the state soil (I love wikipedia by the way) sounds much more threatening - Port Silt Loam. The OKC Port Silt Loam.

I guess the Lighting, Storm, Tornadoes, Hurricanes, and most other weather terms have been used up. Have we become so PC that even our team names have become boring. Remember the Washington Bullets? Too violent for America apparently. But the Wizards is the best they could do? Really? You know how many crazy Christian mothers probably threw a fit over that? You know, promoting witchcraft and all obviously. Either way they are mythical mascots which I don't believe there are too many of because they obviously promote devil worshiping. What about the Redskins or the Indians or the Braves? Racism is OK but Bullets...they must go! When you think about it, violent mascots make more sense. You are supposed to intimidate and scare your opponent. Do the Redskins hope they will just offend the other team into losing? Doesn't seem right to censor one and not the other. They should have just called them the Indian Intercoursers after the Indian Intercourse Act of 1834. Or why not the Scalpers, since we apparently don't care about offending the Native Americans and are more worried about kids thinking about magic.

Apparently, the other options that Thunder beat out were Wind, Barons, Marshalls, Energy and Bison. So pathetic. Wind? Really. Energy? Why not name them the Solar Panels or the Policemen. Makes Just as much sense as Energy and Marshalls. It's too close to the Rangers anyway.

So along with unscary and boring weather terms and racist labels, there are also the much cooler and old skool names. No matter how much I hate the Yankees, they have a pretty solid name. The Red Wings and the Astros even (The Astros used to be the Colt45s, but let's not get into that again). They stir up great American values and the names have something to do with something historically pertinent to their cities. Last time I checked, there is no Jazz in Utah. Do they even allow music there? Lakers in a desert...really?
It does seem like owners are catching on though with the Expos to Nationals and now Supersonics to Thunder. You have to change the name. Period. Expansion teams have even figured it out with the Diamondbacks and Devil Rays. For an overall reference of team changes - I advise watching the first few minutes of BASEketball. Pure genius.
The most consistent awesomeness in team naming that I have seen is in the Minor League Baseball association. They have teams like the Biscuits and the Midgets. Who wouldn't want to go see those teams and buy all of their apparel?! Nobody is better at marketing than minor league teams.

So, folks. Looks like we are stuck with the Thunda for now. My current theory is that they named them something so generic because an NBA team could not possibly stay that long in Oklahoma. When they have to move again, it will be cheaper to just keep the name. Who really cares about sports in the OKC? It's going to be like the Marlins all over again. I would have just called them the Finger because that's what the state looks like and you could just announce the team "And now, we give you...The Finger!" That would rile up the crowd. Yup, they've already started raping AC/DC's Thunderstruck.

A Tale of Two Cities

Our first question: "Can you please detail which is the superior city, New York or Chicago?"

Now folks before I really delve into the complexities that underlie this question, I can't say I feel this question is very applicable in its current form...but with a quick juggle of the wording, I'm ready to begin.

Our Improved First Question: "Can you please detail which city deserves less disdain, New York or Chicago?"

Well now...where does one start when discerning the apparent worth of a city? Economically? Philanthropically? Politically? No...though there are many rubrics on which to grade these two metropolises (metropoli?), one measure should be considered before all others...the quality of their sports teams. Now before you die hard New York and Chicago sports fans out there begin celebrating your victory, I wouldn't count my chickens before they've hatched while looking a gift horse in the mouth and leaping before you look...if you catch my drift. Lets take a look at the teams in ascending order from meaningless sports to important sports.

MLS Soccer...all right I'm gonna be honest I don't know a damn thing about MLS soccer...I don't even know if either city has a team...and candidly I don't care, so I suppose we're gonna call this one a draw. (note other draws include dodgeball, lawn darts, badminton, world series of poker, cricket spinning, nascar, red rover, smear the queer, spelling bees, hopscotch, kickball, skee-ball, putt-putt, and extreme rock-paper-scissors.) Looks like its a dead heat with all of the mostly meaningless sports out of the way. (NYC 0, Chi-town 0)

Up next we have hockey...now reader be aware that I care marginally more about hockey than I do about soccer. I mean I didn't even realize they went on strike until the next season when ESPN made a big deal about finally having a sport they can talk about between football and basketball. Then again you don't exactly get your fill of toothless men beating the hell out of each other during a showing of Disney on Ice so I suppose there is some redeeming characteristic. (DOI is an otherwise magical experience however) As such I'm gonna have to judge the Rangers, Islanders and the Blackhawks the only way I know how...which of course is based on NHL 94 for Sega Genesis. The Blackhawks were an atrocity then and now. I mean for goodness sake how could you possibly expect anything from them when they weren't even named after the greatest Indian tribe ending in hawk? (-1) There are two Blackhawk players that I despise above the rest...Jeremy Roenick and Chris Chelios. I don't know how much Roenick paid the NHL 94 creators to make his likeness as good as it was...but I saw the guy play in real life and come on! There had to be some sort of foul play involved. (-1) It was like this douche bag had an infinite supply of game genie making him faster, stronger, and smarter than anyone on the virtual ice. This all wouldn't have been too bad if it weren't for that a-hole Chris Chelios, who I am convinced was designed to play dirty. (-1) I mean you work your way all the up to the Stanley Cup...with the Vancouver Canuks might I add which is no small task...and then without fail 45 seconds into the game that bastard Chelios makes Pavel Bure's head bleed. (-1) Meanwhile you have the competition of the Rangers and their fearless leader, Mark Messier. (+1) Now per NHL 94 Mark Messier may not have been a virtual God...but he was at least a lesser diety. When you faced off against the Rangers you knew you were getting one hell of a match against a worthy opponent. You may not have liked them...but god damnit at least you respected them. (+1) Now to the Islanders...do they still even have a team? (-1) Seriously no one played as the Islanders...rumor has it that year they tried out for the ice capades and were laughed off the stage. (-1) Still, as embarrassing as the Islanders were I think Mark Messier took his whole city on his back and hauled them to the finish line. (+2) (NYC 1, Chi-town -4)

Moving on to a sport you can watch more than 5 minutes of and not want to kill yourself...we look at basketball. Now the Knicks are...well they're just pathetic. (-1) I mean maybe in the future Isiah Thomas might decide to cut back a bit on sexually harassing co-workers (-1) and thaw himself out of retirement for another crack at the big time. Until then the Knicks are an embarrassment and its not getting any better. (-1) Meanwhile the Chicago Bulls will hold a special place in my heart...that's right even you Luke Longley. (+1) MJ and the Bulls put on a show, and even though Michael couldn't hit an 0-2 curve ball if it were put on a tee (-1), he outlasted Kobe's surge to be the greatest Basketball player in history and there's something to be said for that. (+3) Has anyone seen the "Love me Hate me" commercials where Kobe tells us we can hate him for a number of reasons, ie. his fadeaway, or his swagger, but I feel like he left something we would hate about him out...hmmm...oh I know! Could it be being accused of rape? (LA -50) How did that not make the cut! Therefore on principle alone His Airness brings Chicago back in the running NYC -2, Chi-town -1.

Now on to Football...while everyone states that Football is America's new pastime...I have to say I feel like College Football should hold that title all by its lonesome. Still there is something to be said about Da Bears...unfortunately that something only is in reference to the popular Saturday Night Live (+1) skit poking fun at all of you die hard Bears fans. (-1) Meanwhile the Giants did their best David vs. Goliath impression (+1) while taking down that bunch of filthy rotten cheaters who very nearly made history with their undefeated season last year. Needless to say it was a sweet day when perfection was snatched from the grasp of that smug bastard, Tom Brady, with his squared off jaw and his millions of dollars and his model for a girlfriend...not so sweet now is it Tom? Ha...sure showed that guy. (+5) Anyway a year prior, it was Rex Grossman being smug and calling out Peyton Manning...Grossman then proceeded to soil himself on the world's largest stage (-3) as Bears fans went out into the night gnashing their teeth and rending their clothing. NYC 4, Chi-town -4.

So with NYC stretching to a fairly commanding lead, we hit the final straight away. If you look closely at the New York Mets one might almost think that their GM is playing an elaborate joke on the Owner and Fans. (-1) Honestly its very nearly comical how much money they've appropriated to aging has beens and flashes in the pan. (-1) Lets lay our cards on the table now shall we? Anyone who thinks Carlos Beltran is worth 120 million dollars belongs in a goddamn psych ward, The guy has one great post season (approx 11 games) and he can put his feet up for the rest of his life? (-3) Carlos Delgado? The man's old...straight up...and his eyesight has to be going given his 105 k's and 259 BA. (-1) David Wright is young and talented yes...but he's never proved he has an MVP make-up so the ESPN analysts really need to stop pretending that he has. Really what it comes down to is Mets GM Omar Minaya apparently is like a child who likes sparkly things…and pays way too much for a handful of glitter. Plus the clubhouse atmosphere is just top notch (-1), especially with the hometown fans repeatedly booing their relievers off the mound, and those terrific accusations of racism. (-2) Still, I don't think I've met a diehard Mets fan in my entire life...making them a veritable unwanted stepchild that no one ever takes the time to pay attention to. (-7) Speaking of unwanted stepchildren...how about those White Sox. (-2) You won the World series in 2005 and still no one really gave a damn. (-4) On top of that your manager is Ozzie Guillen who is just a world class jackass...still the man does know his way around a homosexual slur which is fun for the whole family. (-4) Lets not forget you have those two idiots in the radio box who have coined the phrases "He Gone!" and "You can put it on the boooooooaaaaard." The fact that those two geniuses haven't been struck by lightning yet can only be viewed as evidence that there is in fact no God. (-2)

Finally we're to the Main Event...Cubs vs. Yankees...Futility Incarnate vs. Evil Incarnate. With the score at NYC -12 Chi-town -14. With two points to make up lets start with the Cubs shall we? Now speaking honestly the Cubs themselves wouldn't be too bad if it weren't for the ridiculous following that they've gathered over they're years of ineptitude. When seemingly every single ESPN analyst has jumped on the Cub bandwagon there is an undeniable problem that needs addressing. To all of you "Cubs Fans" who try to claim they aren't bandwagon fans...give up the charade already. Fact, 83% of all supposed Cubs fans are fair weather fans. That's science people...and I can't argue with science. Furthermore...if you're a fan and every year you predict that this year the Cubs will break their curse (by the way praise be to goat herders everywhere) then I hate to burst your bubble but your prediction isn't very earth shattering...in fact what you've actually been doing is proving to everyone that you've been a dumbass every year on the year for the past 100 years. Also...for all of you that ran out and bought a shiny new Fukudome jersey to show your Cub pride...if you were a real fan you probably would already have owned a piece of Cubs merchandise prior to the arrival of Kosuke...who is by far the most highly overrated player in the game. What? The guy hits a homer on opening day and suddenly he's on the cover of Sports Illustrated? What the hell? Which of you jokers voted this clown into the All-Star game? He's batting 263 with 9 hr and 96 k's! Wow...impact numbers I must say. Now he's also only swiped 11 bags but that’s somewhat understandable considering that Joe Morgan and Jon Miller proceeded to build a summer home in Fukudome's ass! Good holy Christ...and on another note I vomit a little bit in my mouth every time that Dempster does that stupid glove flip before he pitches. Also I've requested blood testing on Alfonso Soriano because I would bet the farm that dude is at least 30% dinosaur...look at him...he was an extra on Jurassic Park...the man’s a raptor. Hell with PED's Soriano went straight to reptile DNA, that’s why the drug testing hasn’t caught anything…but when Jim Edmonds is mauled in left center because Soriano’s instinct to hunt could no longer be denied I’ll be there saying I told you so.

Now it would appear we come to the Yankees…in their pinstriped glory…with they’re storied history over a century old. You have legends of the game like Mantle, Ruth, Gehrig, and Dimaggio, that exemplified what it meant to be a baseball player. Even with all of this history, Steinbrenner and his gang of mercenaries have found a way to piss all over everything that those great players stood for. They took a game that this country loved and stripped it down beyond a point that anyone thought it could be lowered. To the Yankee’s baseball isn’t a game…its more like a machine, driven by money, caring only about statistics, winning, and championships. The individuals that make up the Yankees don’t even resemble a team anymore...they are a conglomeration of bastard frosted bastards with bastard filling. This selfish and unforgiving atmosphere has ruined innumerable young ball players who previously had bright futures and promise for a fulfilling career. The vast sums of money they repeatedly and wantonly sling to buy their championships has forever changed the face of baseball. Unthinkable mistakes like the Barry Zito contract are the direct result and will have a crushing, debilitating effect on a proud organization for the decade to come. Their influence extends even to their hated rivals…that’s right…the Yankee’s have turned the Red Sox into…well…a slightly smaller budget version of themselves. This must be stopped…if it weren’t for outliers like Derek Jeter, then I’m convinced an angry mob would have already burned down the house that Ruth built. The sad truth of it is, the Yankees are going to continue all of these atrocities virtually unchecked. They won’t look back at the mangled heap of youngster’s who’s lives the Yankee’s and their fans have destroyed. They will continue driving the price tags of ballplayers through the roof, further disadvantaging the small market club. Jason Giambi will still grow that stupid moustache. Finally, ESPN will continue to believe that baseball is only played in New York and Boston.


As you may have realized the scoring system has just completely broken down, mainly because these two cities would be entirely too close to absolute zero if I had continued. Needless to say, even though Chicago receives bonus points for being the city that The Dark Knight was filmed in, New York will win this contest by a nose. The reason being, comes down to differing types of hatred of both Yankee's and Cubs fans. Frankly, hating the Yankee's makes me feel good inside, and trashing their fans will without a doubt put a smile on my face. Meanwhile hating the Cubs feels more like beating up on a handicapped kid...but you still know it must be done. They haven't won anything for so long...but the truth of the matter is the Cubs and their fans don't deserve to win, so they must be rooted against. This harsh fact even makes disliking the Cubs a chore and provides NYC the slim margin of victory.


As always Infallibility is Guaranteed.

Island Steve vs. Mainland Steve

Looks like Mr. Z has several questions that need answering. Good thing I have initiated the Pre-Columbian Mayan Daykeeper Wisdom segment.

The question that I shall tackle is: Who is a bigger badass? Streets of San Fransisco's Steve Keller, played by none other than Michael Douglas, or Hawaii Five-0's Steve McGarrett, played by the legendary Jack Lord.



Well, well little Mikey. Nothing like a no-doubter to kick off this segment. Steve McGarrett is, no question, the bigger badass. While Steve Keller is very suave, he is just a buddy cop. Plus everyone knows Mike Stone solves all his cases for him.

Urbandictionary.com defines badass as:

"The epitome of the American male. He radiates confidence in everything he does, whether it's ordering a drink, buying a set of wheels, or dealing with women. He's slow to anger, brutally efficient when fighting back.

The badass carves his own path. He wears, drives, drinks, watches, and listens to what he chooses, when he chooses, where he chooses, uninfluenced by fads or advertising campaigns. Badass style is understated but instantly recognizable. Like a chopped Harley or a good pair of sunglasses: simple, direct, and functional."



McGarrett and Keller are what most American (and billions of non-American) males idolize. Both work to make America a better and safer place. Both despise crime. Most importantly, both have fantastic hair.

However, once you delve deeper - beyond their good looks - you will see the Keller is just a speck of dust in the shadow of McGarrett. First off, McGarrett was a Naval Intelligence Commander who eventually resigned to become head of Hawaii Five-0 - because he hates crime that much. Little Stevie Keller was a college grad who became an Assistant Inspector in San Francisco with no prior background in police work. He was assistant to a 20 year old veteran who told him what to do. It is said that only "the Governor and God" can tell McGarrett what to do - and even they have trouble (Episode 1: Full Fathom Five). Keller's job is to get told what to do - by a senile old man, nonetheless. McG 1 Kelly 0

McG chose mother flipping Hawaii to conquer. It has absolutely perfect weather all year round, women in bikinis, and active volcanoes. Kelly chose San Francisco. It features hilly streets, Rice-a-Roni, and the Giants. McG 2 Kelly 0

When it comes to fashion, both have impeccable taste. Kelly sports the street-clothes detective look which not only smart, but also very easy for him to work and pick up chicks. McG tends to wear the exact same suit to work every day, with the occasional exchange with Danno. Don't get me wrong, he looks damn good in that navy blue suit. Any why shouldn't he wear it everyday? Superman wore the same suit for 80 years. But when he dresses casual, he borders on looking like a fool, donning cliched Hawaii garbs with flowers thrown up all over them and godforsaken Hawaiian cowboy hats. McG 2 Kelly 1



Crime fighting is, without a doubt, McG's forte. He only takes off from work for karate and haircuts, which are absolutely necessary. Kelly is always coming back from vacation, usually upset that he has to get back to work. McG HATES crime. He gets passionately upset over everything from murder to espionage to syphilis - yes...even syphilis. When he makes the arrest he usually has a witty phrase like "Aloha, suckers" to throw out there. Keller has no funny lines - Mike Stone takes care of those. McG 3 Kelly 1

Both have some of the most beautiful locks that ever gleamed on the little screen. McGarrett's hair not only resembles the great Hawaiian waves, but it also is the embodiment of the American Dream. Trust me...it just does. Kelly is just vain. McG 4597 Kelly -126

Obviously this is a landslide so I will wrap this up with saying that in no way is Kelly a bigger badass than Steve McGarrett. McGarrett beat polio and Communist China and shot bad guys to stop overcrowding Hawaiian prisons. Keller was murdered in the 1992 TV movie and had to have Mike Stone even solve THAT crime for him.

So little Mikey. You should have made it "Stone vs. McGarrett." But don't cause I am tired of revealing to the world my obscene knowledge on both cops shows. Hawaii Five-0 has a CBS confirmed reboot in the works and Streets is also looking to be revived, so maybe we shall soon have a new battle.

Check out some amazing episodes of Hawaii Five-0 here:

http://www.cbs.com/classics/hawaii_five_0

Common Cold: Fact or Fiction

So apparently summer is almost over. Tagging in my neighborhood has gone down, so with my powers of deduction I would hazard a guess that school has started. There are so many freshly erected building without a speck of spray paint on them. Makes me want to do something about that – you know, for the sake of art…

Anyway, I'm here to talk about those illnesses that come about with the change to cooler weather – specifically, the common cold. The cold is one of those things that even Jose Canseco could catch. With our so-called "advancements " in medical science, this little bugger has been like the weird uncle that always tells inappropriate jokes – annoying to no end, extremely uncomfortable and seemingly unavoidable. Also, known as Acute viral nasopharyngitis, or acute coryza, the common cold sounds absolutely lethal. This is obviously a way for doctors to tell the public that their jobs are really, really hard. How can they cure this dangerous sounding disease!? This is standard marketing procedure – make something seem like something it isn't to those who will never figure it out.

What it comes down to is no one really knows anything about the cold. No one actually goes to doctors for it because it's understood they can't do anything about it and have no desire to sit in a sterile environment with no pants for an hour. The drugstore has lots of delicious candies that only make you think you are getting better. They are more sugar than anything. See: placebo. You think you are getting better because the 'medicine' says you will. How do doctors get away with this mentality? I propose they simply use the Costanza Method of Conviction: “If you truly believe it, it isn’t a lie.”

Therefore, I submit that the common cold is a figment of the imagination and only exists in weak-minded people. It is just an agent of fear, fooling us into believing it is actually making us sick. This is why there is no cure. That’s why all we have to combat it is a sugar pill. That’s why the cold has several vague symptoms, linger for days, and is never second guessed. If you maintain the mentality that you will never get sick, I guarantee you will never suffer from the cold ever again. The cold is a lie and once you realize this you will be free.

When you want to skip work you tell your boss you have a cold, obviously. Why? Because he will respect the fact that there is nothing you can do and he doesn't want you to spread it to the rest of his worker drones. You want to avoid the "hello hug/kiss", say you have a cold. People act as it you have the plague. To quote the mob boss Carmine Falcone, "You always fear what you don't understand."

Well, now you understand…Don’t be afraid.

Burmese Mountain Wisdom

Well folks ready yourself for the very first installment of Burmese Mountain Wisdom, where this blogger intends to impart his worldly and renowned wisdom to you, the huddled masses. A bit of house keeping before we kick this thing off...the title of Burmese Mountain Wisdom was of course chosen because it reminds me of those many long years of ninja training and soul searching spent in the far off mountains of Burma. Trust me on this one now...there's no wisdom like Ninja Wisdom...fact.

Now reader before you work yourself into a politically correct frenzy over there I am well aware that Burma is now the Union of Myanmar...but as I'm sure you can understand I don't really think Myanmarese Mountain Wisdom has quite the same ring...I mean for god's sake I doubt considerably that Myanmarese is even remotely correct, and frankly I just don't feel like doing the research. So, without further ado, here comes some Burmese Mountain Wisdom.

Actually there may be a tad more ado...it should be noted that the effect of these responses will most likely be enhanced if you all were to imagine that these answers were coming from a wizened old man who lives in a hut on a mountaintop. Said old man would almost certainly be donning an impressive white beard that he stroked thoughtfully, and he could possibly be smoking a pipe. Now while I do not have a beard, worry not good reader...for as I write this I will be thoughtfully stroking an imaginary beard. Also the only pipe that I own is a bubble pipe...but it has pretty much the same effect. So without any more pomp or circumstance I bring you Burmese Mountain Wisdom.

Our first question: "Can you please detail which is the superior city, New York or Chicago?"

Quote of the Day

"I mean it's meaningless, governor of alaska, that's like being princess of the moon"

- some guy who knows this guy i know

Us 1, Porn 0

Yes, this is a blog. So far, neither pictures nor videos embellish these pages of cyberspace. I foresee such additives in our near future, for we are children of technology (i.e. flashy noisy things). For now, only words of wisdom and absolute truths shall be found here. Yes, this is a blog. We shall even embark on various quests and provide you with those elusive answers to your most thought provoking questions. For those searching for “threesomes” and got this instead - I apologize. Yes, this is a blog. But obviously if you've gotten this far reading, we've won. We've beaten porn. See – any idiot can blog.

The AICB

As I'm sure you all have seen at the point...Any Idiot Can Blog. We here at AICB stolidly support this belief. We understand that for most of you, sifting through the mind numbing minutia of your everyday lives to form some mundane excerpt chronicling some miniscule detail of your otherwise uninteresting day may not sound very appealing. We thank you for this, though we do not share the opinion. For our lives are anything but mundane. And so with this thought in mind, we three gentleman, without any previous journalistic, novelistic, or otherwise literary(istic) prowess, bring to your laptop the spectacle that is Any Idiot Can Blog.

Any Idiot can Blog!

As you all know, any idiot can blog. It doesn't take wit, or humor, or intellect, or even communication skills. If you put a bunch of computers in a room with primates eventually one would create a blog... and frankly, it'd be pretty entertaining. For me, there is only one way to kick off a good blog... a Haiku. So here goes:

Antics and insight
Thoughtfulness and ridicule
Get ready for it

All that you could want
and more than you can handle
That is what she said

It doesn't take much
Any Idiot can Blog!
But not like we can.