The Evolution of the Desire to be a Cowboy in Young American Males

Cowboys have become novelty. They won the West, only to see it out grow them. The Western film is a rare breed today, mainly to showcase murdering, thieving, and whoring. A true Western is hard to come by these days. Cowboys were once widely celebrated heroes in our culture. But as the world has evolved into the monster it is, America has lost hope in its Knights of the Free Range. Real and tangible heroes cannot save the world. Instead, superheroes have become fantastical career choices. Is society so awful that our children have become delusional in believing super powers are the only way to fight injustice?

There didn't seem to be a more masculine, or American, occupation than a cowboy. You are outside all the time. You don't have to bathe. You ride horses and herd cattle if you want. Live off the land by hunting. Drink water right from the stream. Play harmonica amazingly. You have a gun and can kill people. You frequent saloons. Academic background doesn't matter. Internship experience and teacher recommendations mean nothing. You don't have mortgages or utility bills or car payments or student loans. No city noise or pollution or even ambient light. Moonlight actually has importance. Stars blow your mind. Solitude can be a companion. Food earned or caught tastes better. You have no need for politics. You live by a code.

What I'm really trying to get at is cowboys appreciate more than the average Joe. Today, simple things are taken for granted. Food, shelter, health, etc. Our fathers and grandfathers seem to have appreciated more things when they were kids. The further and further you go back to more simple times, the more it seems people cherished life. A lot has happened since those cowboy obsessed times. Several wars, the rise of global terrorism, devastating epidemics like AIDS and a seeming inevitability of cancer have all arisen. The evolution of technology has made our lives easier - yet at the same time we are lazier, more dependent, and more complicated.

As children we are delusional about our futures. Once we get there and begin our careers, we look back at our childhood and remember the simpler times. We debate out child innocence vs. ignorance. If only we could have done this or that. If only someone told us how it was going to be. We desired to be complicated. All we wanted was to take on responsibility - from a driver's license all the way to fighting the injustices of the universe with superhuman abilities. We think we will free ourselves from society's restraints on youths, but instead find ourselves piled up in society's burdens, requirements, expectations. Ignorance won.

So we search for a simple life. Someplace where these burdens don't exist. But until that time, we must make due. Careers hopefully can be something more than a way to pay bills. Take-out becomes a last resort as cooking at home becomes more of a passion than a chore. A hard days' work is refreshing and satisfying. Hobbies are developed such as exercising, picking up an instrument, or even rediscovering the pleasures of reading. We choose to relax in order to clear our heads, not out of sloth. We enjoy life, not waste it.

The midlife crisis is just an extreme attempt to become a modern cowboy. We buy a motorcycle. We drink more. We bathe less. We chase women. We stay out late. We start a gambling debt. We do stupid things we never did like shoot a gun, jump out of a plane, even run across frozen lakes in the nude. Our subconscious minds demand to be free. The only problem with the midlife crisis is the inevitable return to society. This can be earth shattering and possibly even life-threatening. Being a true cowboy cannot be temporary. We cannot do it all at once (like the midlife crisis) or our minds go into shock. It must be integrated into our way of life. It's in our nature to be cowboys and we must not deny this, just build a low fence around it.

Ad Wizards

Well folks I blog to you today on a very pertinent subject that I feel has been casually ignored for years: the crappy commercial. That’s right folks, you heard it here and I’m going after the really awful ones. Where to begin…I could start on with that insane bearded man that wants to sell you “Mighty Putty” one minute and the “Pancake Puff” skillet the next. I ask all of you what the hell is a Pancake Puff? The people at IHOP couldn’t tell me and they’re the experts. Despite the fact that this Al Borland knock off is probably swindling millions, there are bigger fish to fry. The same goes for the late night singles phone service adds. Sure the model doing the commercial is gorgeous and the woman actually answering the phone is wolf ugly…at least those unfortunate souls calling this service have dared to dream…and are paying good money to have those dreams patronized. Even this lunatic in the Riddler suit that’s nearly convinced me that his book will teach me how to get free money from the government will be spared. Each of these are pretty compelling examples of the dire straights the advertising industry must be in, but that’s somewhat understandable. Here’s the thing…people are inherently greedy, so at the dawn of television, commercials were invariably going to come onto the scene…and they’ve been here for quite a while so I feel like most advertisers have to be running out of things to say…which is why most of them are being given a free pass.

We move on to the crux of the issue…two commercials in fact, advertising products that supposedly have opposite effects but try to convince the public they’re worth buying in a similar fashion. We’ll begin with the weight loss wonder-drugs that I’m sure you’ve a seen by now. I’m not quite sure what these con artists are putting in these capsules, but if its anything short of magical pixie dust, odds are these idiots who are desperate enough to buy this crap could better appropriate their time by lighting big piles of money on fire. They start the same way…with some guy in a lab coat who is either almost a doctor or just barely a doctor. This guy’s gotten his degree from Hogwarts School of Medicine, and attended classes taught in a broken down van under the highway overpass. Most likely he’s friends with that one dentist who refuses to recommend Crest. Still he feels compelled to tell us that their product is “scientifically” proven to work. They proceed to flash up pictures of their success stories: customarily people who aren’t all that attractive but still in a league just out of reach for whichever patsy will be buying the drug. Then they drive their point home by spouting off a bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo that these poor saps buying the stuff have no hope of comprehending…but still they like the idea. Guaranteed 83% of their target audience has no idea what a University Double Blind Study is, and their knowledge of chemistry is likely about the same level as a third grader. Still people its science, and no one can argue with science right? I remember one of these commercials I saw where they put up a rotund faceless hologram whose fatty areas were highlighted and glowing yellow (this is how these companies view their patrons). All of a sudden the wonder drug flies in (it may as well be wearing a cape) and as it cracks open, a barrage of scientific equations and chemical structure diagrams exploded from the pill and attack the highlighted fat areas, reducing them and turning them a much less alarming color. If this wasn’t ridiculous enough I noticed something more…one of the chemical structures was a benzene ring which I guarantee plays no part in the drug considering the fact that it is a known carcinogen. You would think they wouldn’t take this any further, but I shit you not I actually saw the equation e=mc2 attack the yellow fat. Now come on! What does the fundamental equation of relativity have to do with weight loss? Albert Einstein is rolling in his grave. These commercials are appalling, because Fatty McButterpants now thinks that “science” is fighting his obesity, so he should be able to stay on the couch and continue stuffing donuts down his gullet with the help of a ramrod previously used to load cannons in naval warfare.

From one evil to the next we find ourselves in the realm of male enhancement. Now these commercials will more often than not begin with a plain looking woman who talks for about 45 seconds using plenty of sexual innuendo. This woman is probably about at the attractiveness level of someone the average guy would hardly even notice in a bar, but still no one would think her unattractive. She has been carefully selected to be just out of reach of the pathetic losers who actually order this product. Then once again we will probably hear something from a “scientist,” or at least we’re meant to think that because the guy’s wearing a lab coat. Truth be told the closest this guy came to actually being a scientist was messing around with his friend’s chemistry kit in the 5th grade. I’m pretty sure I saw a few of these “scientists” on the History Channel show Monster Hunters weighing in on their belief that they’re a hair’s breadth away from proving the existence of big foot. Then we’ll go to a shot of the male enhancement lab where countless “scientists” are bustling frantically to improve the enhancement formula. You can see graduated cylinders, Bunsen Burners, and innumerable vials all being tested by these innovators of modern medicine. All of these things are of course categorized as "complicated science stuff" by their target audience. There is one other thing that I had noticed on this picture…but what could it be? I feel like I’ve seen something before but its tough to put your finger on it. Hmm…could it be the ENORMOUS Death Star Window in the background? Are they serious? Apparently these researchers want to conduct their experiments and feel like Darth Vader while they’re doing it. I can’t even fathom the reasoning, but any way you slice it, those of you out there who are picking up the phone and ordering a package of Enzyte know this: you’ll have a better chance trying to use the force to make your lightsaber grow.

-All the best

The Evolution of the Desire to be a Superhero in Young American Males

So it is commonly accepted that pretty much every little boy (sometimes girls) wants to be a superhero when they grow up. Who wouldn't want to have super powers or really cool gadgets and vehicles? Most of these kids have a seemingly unlimited supply of action figures and constantly watch their costumed idols on TV or in movies. Every day is Halloween for them. Too bad for us/them, this is the pinnacle of male existence.

Eventually you start to learn about physics and criminal law and taxes, all of which are superhero killjoys. Still some of us look past that and truly believe Batman is the coolest because he seems the most reality-based.

He is obtainable still. All we need is an endless supply of cash and some traumatic event in our childhood. No biggie. Personally, watching Follow That Bird was that traumatic event.

Then you go to college where it's not all that cool to be a superhero, so you pretend you are practicing being undercover for 4 years. You are only accepted on Halloween in your costume now. Every other time people think it's funny and awesome, but these people won't date you. You are just a novelty act. A conversation starter.

Real world issues begin to put a damper on your life of crime fighting. Student loans become absolutely daunting and really eat up your secret headquarters fund. Crime fighting doesn't pay the rent. You tell yourself that you need a day job anyway for your alter-ego. The day job breaks you. You might become a yes man. You might become a gofer. Food only tastes good on sale. Goodwill is your Saks. You get lots of pleasure from just sitting down someplace other than your desk. Your all-night escapades across rooftops don't pan out because you are asleep at 10:30. You practice Halo instead of Jujitsu. Your sidekick is a cool beer. And the closest you get to fighting crime is paying the landlord on time so he will get off your back.

The only similarity between you and a superhero is that you are both miserable. When are superheros happy? Someone is always getting killed or kidnapped. Even if you capture bad guys, they will probably make bail or parole or just get off scott-free. Jails are just revolving doors. Cops hate you for showing them up. Society is scared of you. All you want to do is help people that don't want to be helped. They didn't ask for you. They didn't vote for you. You are a scape-goat. Criminals are trying even harder now to out-smart you. The city is in chaos.

So now the regular you decides the only way to finance your crime fighting is to become a criminal yourself. Since this is against all moral and superhero ethics, you must seek out new means to unleash your inner child. One day you see a John Wayne movie and realize he is the coolest man ever. He's just a hardworking cowboy that takes shit from no one. Lighting bolt hits you right in the face, blowing off your cape and tights and filling you full of 10000 volts of epiphany. You shall become a cowboy. And so it begins...all over again...

THUNDA!

Alright, I'm going to start off by saying that I am not really a basketball lover anymore. I was obsessed as any human boy was in the early to mid 90s with the NBA. It was full of stars like Michael Jordan and David Robinson that a kid could really look up to. Now it's Kobe and Artificial Intelligence ball hoggin' down the court - both of whom I would not consider role models, needless to say.

Anyway, the Supersonics are now calling Oklahoma City their new, uh, homa. With that they decided to rename themselves the Oklahoma City Thunder. Not very original, and pretty boring. They could have at least tried a little harder. The state bird is a Scissor-tailed Flycatcher for crying out loud. Even the state soil (I love wikipedia by the way) sounds much more threatening - Port Silt Loam. The OKC Port Silt Loam.

I guess the Lighting, Storm, Tornadoes, Hurricanes, and most other weather terms have been used up. Have we become so PC that even our team names have become boring. Remember the Washington Bullets? Too violent for America apparently. But the Wizards is the best they could do? Really? You know how many crazy Christian mothers probably threw a fit over that? You know, promoting witchcraft and all obviously. Either way they are mythical mascots which I don't believe there are too many of because they obviously promote devil worshiping. What about the Redskins or the Indians or the Braves? Racism is OK but Bullets...they must go! When you think about it, violent mascots make more sense. You are supposed to intimidate and scare your opponent. Do the Redskins hope they will just offend the other team into losing? Doesn't seem right to censor one and not the other. They should have just called them the Indian Intercoursers after the Indian Intercourse Act of 1834. Or why not the Scalpers, since we apparently don't care about offending the Native Americans and are more worried about kids thinking about magic.

Apparently, the other options that Thunder beat out were Wind, Barons, Marshalls, Energy and Bison. So pathetic. Wind? Really. Energy? Why not name them the Solar Panels or the Policemen. Makes Just as much sense as Energy and Marshalls. It's too close to the Rangers anyway.

So along with unscary and boring weather terms and racist labels, there are also the much cooler and old skool names. No matter how much I hate the Yankees, they have a pretty solid name. The Red Wings and the Astros even (The Astros used to be the Colt45s, but let's not get into that again). They stir up great American values and the names have something to do with something historically pertinent to their cities. Last time I checked, there is no Jazz in Utah. Do they even allow music there? Lakers in a desert...really?
It does seem like owners are catching on though with the Expos to Nationals and now Supersonics to Thunder. You have to change the name. Period. Expansion teams have even figured it out with the Diamondbacks and Devil Rays. For an overall reference of team changes - I advise watching the first few minutes of BASEketball. Pure genius.
The most consistent awesomeness in team naming that I have seen is in the Minor League Baseball association. They have teams like the Biscuits and the Midgets. Who wouldn't want to go see those teams and buy all of their apparel?! Nobody is better at marketing than minor league teams.

So, folks. Looks like we are stuck with the Thunda for now. My current theory is that they named them something so generic because an NBA team could not possibly stay that long in Oklahoma. When they have to move again, it will be cheaper to just keep the name. Who really cares about sports in the OKC? It's going to be like the Marlins all over again. I would have just called them the Finger because that's what the state looks like and you could just announce the team "And now, we give you...The Finger!" That would rile up the crowd. Yup, they've already started raping AC/DC's Thunderstruck.