e that his book will teach me how to get free money from the government will be spared. Each of these are pretty compelling examples of the dire straights the advertising industry must be in, but that’s somewhat understandable. Here’s the thing…people are inherently greedy, so at the dawn of television, commercials were invariably going to come onto the scene…and they’ve been here for quite a while so I feel like most advertisers have to be running out of things to say…which is why most of them are being given a free pass.We move on to the crux of the issue…two commercials in fact, advertising products that supposedly have opposite effects but try to convince the public they’re worth buying in a similar fashion. We’ll begin with the weight loss wonder-drugs that I’m sure you’ve a seen by now. I’m not quite sure what these con artists are putting in these capsules, but if its anything short of magical pixie dust, odds are these idiots who are desperate enough to buy this crap could better appropriate their time by lighting big piles of money on fire. They start the same way…with some guy in a lab coat who is either almost a doctor or just barely a doctor. This guy’s gotten his degree from Hogwarts School of Medicine, and attended classes taught in a broken down van under the highway overpass. Most likely he’s friends with that one dentist who refuses to recommend Crest. Still he feels compelled to tell us that their product is “scientifically” proven to work. They proceed to flash up pictures of their success stories: customarily people who aren’t all that attractive but still in a league just out of reach for whichever patsy will be buying the drug. Then they drive their point home by spouting off a bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo that these poor saps buying the stuff have no hope of comprehending…but still they like the idea. Guaranteed 83% of their target audience has no idea what a University Double Blind Study is, and their knowledge of chemistry is likely about the same level as a third grader. Still people its science, and no one can argue with science right? I remember one of these commercials I saw where they put up a rotund faceless hologram whose fatty areas were highlighted and glowing yellow (this is how these companies view their patrons). All of a sudden the wonder drug flies in (it may as well be wearing a cape) and as it cracks open, a barrage of scientific equations and chemical structure diagrams exploded from the
pill and attack the highlighted fat areas, reducing them and turning them a much less alarming color. If this wasn’t ridiculous enough I noticed something more…one of the chemical structures was a benzene ring which I guarantee plays no part in the drug considering the fact that it is a known carcinogen. You would think they wouldn’t take this any further, but I shit you not I actually saw the equation e=mc2 attack the yellow fat. Now come on! What does the fundamental equation of relativity have to do with weight loss? Albert Einstein is rolling in his grave. These commercials are appalling, because Fatty McButterpants now thinks that “science” is fighting his obesity, so he should be able to stay on the couch and continue stuffing donuts down his gullet with the help of a ramrod previously used to load cannons in naval warfare.From one evil to the next we find ourselves in the realm of male enhancement. Now these commercials will more often than not begin with a plain looking woman who talks for about 45 seconds using plenty of sexual innuendo. This woman is probably about at the attractiveness level of someone the average guy would hardly even notice in a bar, but still no one would think her unattractive. She has been carefully selected to be just out of reac
h of the pathetic losers who actually order this product. Then once again we will probably hear something from a “scientist,” or at least we’re meant to think that because the guy’s wearing a lab coat. Truth be told the closest this guy came to actually being a scientist was messing around with his friend’s chemistry kit in the 5th grade. I’m pretty sure I saw a few of these “scientists” on the History Channel show Monster Hunters weighing in on their belief that they’re a hair’s breadth away from proving the existence of big foot. Then we’ll go to a shot of the male enhancement lab where countless “scientists” are bustling frantically to improve the enhancement formula. You can see graduated cylinders, Bunsen Burners, and innumerable vials all being tested by these innovators of modern medicine. All of these things are of course categorized as "complicated science stuff" by their target audience. There is one other thing that I had noticed on this picture…but what could it be? I feel like I’ve seen something before but its tough to put your finger on it. 
Hmm…could it be the ENORMOUS Death Star Window in the background? Are they serious? Apparently these researchers want to conduct their experiments and feel like Darth Vader while they’re doing it. I can’t even fathom the reasoning, but any way you slice it, those of you out there who are picking up the phone and ordering a package of Enzyte know this: you’ll have a better chance trying to use the force to make your lightsaber grow.-All the best
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