A Tale of Two Cities

Our first question: "Can you please detail which is the superior city, New York or Chicago?"

Now folks before I really delve into the complexities that underlie this question, I can't say I feel this question is very applicable in its current form...but with a quick juggle of the wording, I'm ready to begin.

Our Improved First Question: "Can you please detail which city deserves less disdain, New York or Chicago?"

Well now...where does one start when discerning the apparent worth of a city? Economically? Philanthropically? Politically? No...though there are many rubrics on which to grade these two metropolises (metropoli?), one measure should be considered before all others...the quality of their sports teams. Now before you die hard New York and Chicago sports fans out there begin celebrating your victory, I wouldn't count my chickens before they've hatched while looking a gift horse in the mouth and leaping before you look...if you catch my drift. Lets take a look at the teams in ascending order from meaningless sports to important sports.

MLS Soccer...all right I'm gonna be honest I don't know a damn thing about MLS soccer...I don't even know if either city has a team...and candidly I don't care, so I suppose we're gonna call this one a draw. (note other draws include dodgeball, lawn darts, badminton, world series of poker, cricket spinning, nascar, red rover, smear the queer, spelling bees, hopscotch, kickball, skee-ball, putt-putt, and extreme rock-paper-scissors.) Looks like its a dead heat with all of the mostly meaningless sports out of the way. (NYC 0, Chi-town 0)

Up next we have hockey...now reader be aware that I care marginally more about hockey than I do about soccer. I mean I didn't even realize they went on strike until the next season when ESPN made a big deal about finally having a sport they can talk about between football and basketball. Then again you don't exactly get your fill of toothless men beating the hell out of each other during a showing of Disney on Ice so I suppose there is some redeeming characteristic. (DOI is an otherwise magical experience however) As such I'm gonna have to judge the Rangers, Islanders and the Blackhawks the only way I know how...which of course is based on NHL 94 for Sega Genesis. The Blackhawks were an atrocity then and now. I mean for goodness sake how could you possibly expect anything from them when they weren't even named after the greatest Indian tribe ending in hawk? (-1) There are two Blackhawk players that I despise above the rest...Jeremy Roenick and Chris Chelios. I don't know how much Roenick paid the NHL 94 creators to make his likeness as good as it was...but I saw the guy play in real life and come on! There had to be some sort of foul play involved. (-1) It was like this douche bag had an infinite supply of game genie making him faster, stronger, and smarter than anyone on the virtual ice. This all wouldn't have been too bad if it weren't for that a-hole Chris Chelios, who I am convinced was designed to play dirty. (-1) I mean you work your way all the up to the Stanley Cup...with the Vancouver Canuks might I add which is no small task...and then without fail 45 seconds into the game that bastard Chelios makes Pavel Bure's head bleed. (-1) Meanwhile you have the competition of the Rangers and their fearless leader, Mark Messier. (+1) Now per NHL 94 Mark Messier may not have been a virtual God...but he was at least a lesser diety. When you faced off against the Rangers you knew you were getting one hell of a match against a worthy opponent. You may not have liked them...but god damnit at least you respected them. (+1) Now to the Islanders...do they still even have a team? (-1) Seriously no one played as the Islanders...rumor has it that year they tried out for the ice capades and were laughed off the stage. (-1) Still, as embarrassing as the Islanders were I think Mark Messier took his whole city on his back and hauled them to the finish line. (+2) (NYC 1, Chi-town -4)

Moving on to a sport you can watch more than 5 minutes of and not want to kill yourself...we look at basketball. Now the Knicks are...well they're just pathetic. (-1) I mean maybe in the future Isiah Thomas might decide to cut back a bit on sexually harassing co-workers (-1) and thaw himself out of retirement for another crack at the big time. Until then the Knicks are an embarrassment and its not getting any better. (-1) Meanwhile the Chicago Bulls will hold a special place in my heart...that's right even you Luke Longley. (+1) MJ and the Bulls put on a show, and even though Michael couldn't hit an 0-2 curve ball if it were put on a tee (-1), he outlasted Kobe's surge to be the greatest Basketball player in history and there's something to be said for that. (+3) Has anyone seen the "Love me Hate me" commercials where Kobe tells us we can hate him for a number of reasons, ie. his fadeaway, or his swagger, but I feel like he left something we would hate about him out...hmmm...oh I know! Could it be being accused of rape? (LA -50) How did that not make the cut! Therefore on principle alone His Airness brings Chicago back in the running NYC -2, Chi-town -1.

Now on to Football...while everyone states that Football is America's new pastime...I have to say I feel like College Football should hold that title all by its lonesome. Still there is something to be said about Da Bears...unfortunately that something only is in reference to the popular Saturday Night Live (+1) skit poking fun at all of you die hard Bears fans. (-1) Meanwhile the Giants did their best David vs. Goliath impression (+1) while taking down that bunch of filthy rotten cheaters who very nearly made history with their undefeated season last year. Needless to say it was a sweet day when perfection was snatched from the grasp of that smug bastard, Tom Brady, with his squared off jaw and his millions of dollars and his model for a girlfriend...not so sweet now is it Tom? Ha...sure showed that guy. (+5) Anyway a year prior, it was Rex Grossman being smug and calling out Peyton Manning...Grossman then proceeded to soil himself on the world's largest stage (-3) as Bears fans went out into the night gnashing their teeth and rending their clothing. NYC 4, Chi-town -4.

So with NYC stretching to a fairly commanding lead, we hit the final straight away. If you look closely at the New York Mets one might almost think that their GM is playing an elaborate joke on the Owner and Fans. (-1) Honestly its very nearly comical how much money they've appropriated to aging has beens and flashes in the pan. (-1) Lets lay our cards on the table now shall we? Anyone who thinks Carlos Beltran is worth 120 million dollars belongs in a goddamn psych ward, The guy has one great post season (approx 11 games) and he can put his feet up for the rest of his life? (-3) Carlos Delgado? The man's old...straight up...and his eyesight has to be going given his 105 k's and 259 BA. (-1) David Wright is young and talented yes...but he's never proved he has an MVP make-up so the ESPN analysts really need to stop pretending that he has. Really what it comes down to is Mets GM Omar Minaya apparently is like a child who likes sparkly things…and pays way too much for a handful of glitter. Plus the clubhouse atmosphere is just top notch (-1), especially with the hometown fans repeatedly booing their relievers off the mound, and those terrific accusations of racism. (-2) Still, I don't think I've met a diehard Mets fan in my entire life...making them a veritable unwanted stepchild that no one ever takes the time to pay attention to. (-7) Speaking of unwanted stepchildren...how about those White Sox. (-2) You won the World series in 2005 and still no one really gave a damn. (-4) On top of that your manager is Ozzie Guillen who is just a world class jackass...still the man does know his way around a homosexual slur which is fun for the whole family. (-4) Lets not forget you have those two idiots in the radio box who have coined the phrases "He Gone!" and "You can put it on the boooooooaaaaard." The fact that those two geniuses haven't been struck by lightning yet can only be viewed as evidence that there is in fact no God. (-2)

Finally we're to the Main Event...Cubs vs. Yankees...Futility Incarnate vs. Evil Incarnate. With the score at NYC -12 Chi-town -14. With two points to make up lets start with the Cubs shall we? Now speaking honestly the Cubs themselves wouldn't be too bad if it weren't for the ridiculous following that they've gathered over they're years of ineptitude. When seemingly every single ESPN analyst has jumped on the Cub bandwagon there is an undeniable problem that needs addressing. To all of you "Cubs Fans" who try to claim they aren't bandwagon fans...give up the charade already. Fact, 83% of all supposed Cubs fans are fair weather fans. That's science people...and I can't argue with science. Furthermore...if you're a fan and every year you predict that this year the Cubs will break their curse (by the way praise be to goat herders everywhere) then I hate to burst your bubble but your prediction isn't very earth shattering...in fact what you've actually been doing is proving to everyone that you've been a dumbass every year on the year for the past 100 years. Also...for all of you that ran out and bought a shiny new Fukudome jersey to show your Cub pride...if you were a real fan you probably would already have owned a piece of Cubs merchandise prior to the arrival of Kosuke...who is by far the most highly overrated player in the game. What? The guy hits a homer on opening day and suddenly he's on the cover of Sports Illustrated? What the hell? Which of you jokers voted this clown into the All-Star game? He's batting 263 with 9 hr and 96 k's! Wow...impact numbers I must say. Now he's also only swiped 11 bags but that’s somewhat understandable considering that Joe Morgan and Jon Miller proceeded to build a summer home in Fukudome's ass! Good holy Christ...and on another note I vomit a little bit in my mouth every time that Dempster does that stupid glove flip before he pitches. Also I've requested blood testing on Alfonso Soriano because I would bet the farm that dude is at least 30% dinosaur...look at him...he was an extra on Jurassic Park...the man’s a raptor. Hell with PED's Soriano went straight to reptile DNA, that’s why the drug testing hasn’t caught anything…but when Jim Edmonds is mauled in left center because Soriano’s instinct to hunt could no longer be denied I’ll be there saying I told you so.

Now it would appear we come to the Yankees…in their pinstriped glory…with they’re storied history over a century old. You have legends of the game like Mantle, Ruth, Gehrig, and Dimaggio, that exemplified what it meant to be a baseball player. Even with all of this history, Steinbrenner and his gang of mercenaries have found a way to piss all over everything that those great players stood for. They took a game that this country loved and stripped it down beyond a point that anyone thought it could be lowered. To the Yankee’s baseball isn’t a game…its more like a machine, driven by money, caring only about statistics, winning, and championships. The individuals that make up the Yankees don’t even resemble a team anymore...they are a conglomeration of bastard frosted bastards with bastard filling. This selfish and unforgiving atmosphere has ruined innumerable young ball players who previously had bright futures and promise for a fulfilling career. The vast sums of money they repeatedly and wantonly sling to buy their championships has forever changed the face of baseball. Unthinkable mistakes like the Barry Zito contract are the direct result and will have a crushing, debilitating effect on a proud organization for the decade to come. Their influence extends even to their hated rivals…that’s right…the Yankee’s have turned the Red Sox into…well…a slightly smaller budget version of themselves. This must be stopped…if it weren’t for outliers like Derek Jeter, then I’m convinced an angry mob would have already burned down the house that Ruth built. The sad truth of it is, the Yankees are going to continue all of these atrocities virtually unchecked. They won’t look back at the mangled heap of youngster’s who’s lives the Yankee’s and their fans have destroyed. They will continue driving the price tags of ballplayers through the roof, further disadvantaging the small market club. Jason Giambi will still grow that stupid moustache. Finally, ESPN will continue to believe that baseball is only played in New York and Boston.


As you may have realized the scoring system has just completely broken down, mainly because these two cities would be entirely too close to absolute zero if I had continued. Needless to say, even though Chicago receives bonus points for being the city that The Dark Knight was filmed in, New York will win this contest by a nose. The reason being, comes down to differing types of hatred of both Yankee's and Cubs fans. Frankly, hating the Yankee's makes me feel good inside, and trashing their fans will without a doubt put a smile on my face. Meanwhile hating the Cubs feels more like beating up on a handicapped kid...but you still know it must be done. They haven't won anything for so long...but the truth of the matter is the Cubs and their fans don't deserve to win, so they must be rooted against. This harsh fact even makes disliking the Cubs a chore and provides NYC the slim margin of victory.


As always Infallibility is Guaranteed.